This Fucking Sucks

It's weird to look in on your life as if you are a stranger.

See yourself

in a mirror,

cry some tears out because your mom says,

"Ohh let it out, it'll make you feel better."

Stuff yourself with food because you have been telling yourself, all day,

"No no no stopit stopit stopit you can't/shouldn't eat that shit. You are a fat, ugly cow."

You have no one to talk to because you wouldn't know where to even begin, even if you did, by chance, decide to open up.

Close yourself off from your emotions, and they eat your brain.

Tell yourself you aren't pretty while others disagree.

Feel like a bitch because you break promises.

Keep eating because you know you can't change.

Keep eating because you suck.

you suckkkkk.

He loves me, he loves me not

It hurts not fitting into a shell people set for you.

It hurts to feel like no one hears you.

It hurts when you love someone.

Life hurts.

I cause my own hurt in my own mind.

I wish I could stop time and rewind.

I wish I could go back home without trouble.

I wish I had my man in my arms.

I wish I had my mom to hold when I need to cry.

I wish being an adult was easy.

I wish emotions were easy to read.

I wish I never knew what "love" is.

I wish all people were real.

I wish sleep came easy.

I wish I could have my wishes.

I hope things get better.

I hope I lose weight.

I hope I bleed where people can see.

I hope everything gets better.



Trouble in Paradise

First week of college down!

School is going okay so far, but it is hard getting used to the swing of things.  I'm already tired of being an adult...whatever that means.

I missed my niece being born, but I am going back home this weekend, so I will get to hold her :D

My boyfriend is causing me more pain than I ever thought could happen.

I have produced more tears in 36 hours than I have in a cumulative month!

I ran out of tissues, so I used a towel last night (YES, its was THAT bad).

 He says he doesn't know if he can be with me anymore, so he needs time to "think about things".

 I put those words in quotations, because they came directly from his mouth. Other things I say that he said, are summaries of what has been said.

 I sure hope I am making sense (:

I haven't cried too much today, but the tears still make their way to my eyes. I put a picture down of us together, so I hope it helps me not think too much about him...

It's easy for everyone to tell me not to think about him, but its another thing to actually DO it.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Funny how lame that quote sounds until you experience it.

I'm not ready for it to be over between us, nor will I ever be ready for it to be over between us.

What a Great Day

Woke up and watched Coraline because I absolutely love that movie.

Drank coffee like usual and my stepmom asked if I wanted to go do errands with her.

I declined the offer because I was going to go to Wal-Mart with a friend...

WELL

I took a shower and even did my hair for once!

 I put on nice clothes and I even matched!! [:

Get in my car and start it up......only so it could die right in front of my house!!!!!

Luckily, I got the front end into my driveway...

but I spent 5 minutes pushing it as far as it would go.

I LIVE ON A BUSY STREET AND IT TOOK 10 MINUTES BEFORE ANYONE STOPPED

And it was two guys so that is a plus! But that's not the only thing.

I locked my keys and phone inside my car and my dad, who is at work, has the spare.

I was locked outside my house and it took me forever

 to get the screen off of my window and

THANK GOD or Gandhi or whoever

 that my window was open.

I was so mad I wanted to cry, but I didn't [:

This is my only car and I leave Friday morning for college.

This would happen to me.

It's what I get for eating pizza and nachos last night.

HAPPY FOURTH!

So, it is the fourth of july AND it ia also my 19th BIRTHDAY!!!! :D
i'm old now! lol...so i'm going to my aunts house and my mom is bringing a cake. we are cooking out on the grill i suppose, and i will try my best not to eat, but everyone knows i will.

today i'm wearing a scooby doo shirt that says "LET'S EAT!!!!"  funny right?

well i thought it was....
:D i'm really hyper.. i just had a cup of wine. SHHHHH though, it's a secret.


i haven't lost any weight :( i'm stuck at 143 but thank the heavens i havent gained weight :0 i was at 136 at one point a month ago -__-
its frustrating.
i think im addicted to food because its all i ever think about ):

ANYWAYS sorry for my rant.

have a great day!