New Post (;

In fear of Xanga shutting down, or making me pay for their services, I am back to being a bloghead on Blogger.

If you know me from xanga, LET ME KNOW!!

:]

It has been over a year since my last post, but I am back now, and will continue where I started off.. 

I'm not sure I ever wrote too much on this site, but I am a woman of many thoughts and words. I love feedback!!! I give feedback as well! I am not afraid to talk, quite frankly, I can talk too much.

I am currently going to school for massage therapy and will be done mid December. I am going to be 21 in a month, and I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with my shit and random mood swings.

Sometimes I feel like I may be bipolar and other times I think that thought was silly.

I do best when I am alone, but being alone all the time can get pretty, well, lonely.

That's where I am right now...where are you?

send me a message or comment anytime.

[I did mention how much I enjoy FEEDBACK!]

<3 Stephhh

This Fucking Sucks

It's weird to look in on your life as if you are a stranger.

See yourself

in a mirror,

cry some tears out because your mom says,

"Ohh let it out, it'll make you feel better."

Stuff yourself with food because you have been telling yourself, all day,

"No no no stopit stopit stopit you can't/shouldn't eat that shit. You are a fat, ugly cow."

You have no one to talk to because you wouldn't know where to even begin, even if you did, by chance, decide to open up.

Close yourself off from your emotions, and they eat your brain.

Tell yourself you aren't pretty while others disagree.

Feel like a bitch because you break promises.

Keep eating because you know you can't change.

Keep eating because you suck.

you suckkkkk.

He loves me, he loves me not

It hurts not fitting into a shell people set for you.

It hurts to feel like no one hears you.

It hurts when you love someone.

Life hurts.

I cause my own hurt in my own mind.

I wish I could stop time and rewind.

I wish I could go back home without trouble.

I wish I had my man in my arms.

I wish I had my mom to hold when I need to cry.

I wish being an adult was easy.

I wish emotions were easy to read.

I wish I never knew what "love" is.

I wish all people were real.

I wish sleep came easy.

I wish I could have my wishes.

I hope things get better.

I hope I lose weight.

I hope I bleed where people can see.

I hope everything gets better.



Trouble in Paradise

First week of college down!

School is going okay so far, but it is hard getting used to the swing of things.  I'm already tired of being an adult...whatever that means.

I missed my niece being born, but I am going back home this weekend, so I will get to hold her :D

My boyfriend is causing me more pain than I ever thought could happen.

I have produced more tears in 36 hours than I have in a cumulative month!

I ran out of tissues, so I used a towel last night (YES, its was THAT bad).

 He says he doesn't know if he can be with me anymore, so he needs time to "think about things".

 I put those words in quotations, because they came directly from his mouth. Other things I say that he said, are summaries of what has been said.

 I sure hope I am making sense (:

I haven't cried too much today, but the tears still make their way to my eyes. I put a picture down of us together, so I hope it helps me not think too much about him...

It's easy for everyone to tell me not to think about him, but its another thing to actually DO it.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Funny how lame that quote sounds until you experience it.

I'm not ready for it to be over between us, nor will I ever be ready for it to be over between us.

OHMYGAWD

i fucking hate computers. nobody ever writes to me! and i can't leave comments on anybody's posts for some stupid reason.
i don't even know why it won't let me and it always tells me to create a blog or sign in...and when i click sign in, I AM ALREADY FUCKING SIGNED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate my fucking stupid pathetic worthless life.

all i ever do is eat. all i ever do is complain. all i ever do is fight with the people i love. all i ever want to do is run away.


i wish i could cut off my skin bag and set myself free from all my weight...



Its all here in your head..

Pig. Disgusting. Waste.

Failure. Disaster. Disappointment.

Never good enough.

These are a few of the things floating around in my head today. i want to go home, but here i am...stuck at school.

i hate feeling trapped, like how i feel right. now.

i am a waste of space. am i even real?

i want to cut and smell my blood. i want to taste my blood and have blood cake in between my teeth...

so i can

look like the total

monster

 I know i am.